It still hurts
Grief isn't a thing that goes away quickly, I am coming to find out. I've lost more than my fair share of friends over the years but this one feels different and I hadn't ever even met her in person.
I admired her for so many reasons; she had an immaculately successful time in tech and she displayed such strength after her cancer diagnosis.
I was supposed to go out over the summer and visit her on her orchard: a stunning 20 acre plot in the fertile Pajaro valley in california. I'd been watching her cultivate and grow her array of fruit trees and her 300+ rose bushes for a few years and couldn't wait to get a tour and eat all of this fruit I'd only seen photos of. Although, I had ordered some persimmons and pineapple guavas from her before that she shipped to me and they were my first of either fruit I had ever tried! I was so excited to go out and visit; we had been talking about it for a long time.
And then I postponed visiting her over the summer because my manager at work dumped a surprise intern onto our team and gave her to me to mentor, and I thought I had to stick around to mentor her because I was told it would get me promoted. Not that I haven't done years and years of mentorship but all of that had been outside of work, and I had to prove myself once again for this job now.
And then she died.
And I ended up not getting promoted after all, because my manager didn't care about me or my growth or promoting me at all. It was all just empty words, and I made the decision to work instead of going to visit my friend before she died.
It's sad, and I'm still full of regret about it and kicking myself for choosing work over life. I knew better. I had preached this very value to others, that jobs don't value you so don't give up things that are important to you for a dumb job that couldn't care less about you. And look what I did! I was foolish to believe my manager, I was an idiot for blindly trusting him that he'd guide me on the path I wanted to be on. No one, I repeat, absolutely no one you work with cares about your career as much as you do.
Anyway, all of this rambling to say don't be a dumb dumb like me. Go take that trip, go visit your friends, quit that toxic job that keeps lying to you making you think you're valuable when you're just another resource to them. Go live your life - time waits for no one.